We’ve all done embarrassing things. Most of the time, you can get through life without obsessing over every embarrassing mistake you’ve ever made.
But every once in awhile, you’ll find yourself unable to sleep at night because you’re too busy reliving every single cringe-worthy decision.
Next time that happens, try to resist falling down the rabbit hole, and just read these people’s embarrassing stories (courtesy of a recent AskReddit thread) instead.
I was watching a movie with my parents when I was 7 and heard the characters talk about porn.
I asked my parents what it meant, and they didn’t tell me, so I looked it up on our family computer.
This was around Christmas time, and I got so scared I wouldn’t get anything for Christmas because I looked it up, so I wrote a letter to Santa apologizing.
He wrote me back and said it was OK. The next year I realized Santa was my parents. It still keeps me up at night. – Strungeart
I always used to volunteer to help out with first-day registration at my middle school. All my friends gave me crap for being a teacher’s pet/suck up.
The real reason I did it was if you volunteered you got to pick your locker rather than having one randomly assigned.
And I had a gigantic crush on my English teacher.
So both 7th and 8th-grade years of middle school I wound up with a locker directly across from his classroom so I could see him every day.
I found the most ridiculous excuses possible to have to go to my locker.
I may have also sent him the world’s most cringe-inducing anonymous valentine my 8th-grade year. I’m pretty sure he knew it was me but I didn’t care.
I was completely smitten.
It was kind of like that episode of The Simpsons where Lisa gets a crush on Mr. Bergstrom.
Except it wasn’t charming in any way. It was awkward and terrible and a wee bit stalkerish. – AbortRetryImplode
When I was in the sixth grade, my friends used to call me a dildo all the time. I used to hate it and get so pissed every time they did.
Crucially, I didn’t know what a dildo was, but I had a sneaking suspicion that it was a penis.
So close, yet so far.
I didn’t realize my error until one fateful day when my friends once again decided to call me a dildo during P.E.
In my anger, I shouted: “At least I have one!”
I’m 30 years old, and to this very day, anytime I see one of those people, they inevitably bring up the fact that in the sixth grade, I shouted that I had a dildo. – trainwreck42
I painted my entire weiner blue with a Sharpie when I was like 6.
Don’t know why. It took like 2 weeks to come off. Thought it would be blue forever. – Blibbobletto
When I was 13, I wrote a pretty detailed Naruto fanfiction.
That wouldn’t be so embarrassing except for that fact that the details included me and a character who was 26 playing strip poker, among other things.
Here’s where I really f**ked myself over: I THEN decided to print the story out so I could read it later and make edits.
However, I decided to bring it into the bathroom to read while I took a bath and left it in there when I was done.
My dad found it and read it and let’s just say he was not happy with the writing content his 13-year-old daughter decided to pick. – ThisIsAStuckUp
I never knew the spleen was a real organ. The name sounded so silly to me that I thought it was a joke.
When did I find out it was an organ? In med school. – TheRealDTrump
I audibly s**t myself in a boardroom meeting once. There were about seven or eight other people in the room, and it happened while my boss was speaking.
He stopped talking, and there were some gasps.
I didn’t know what to do other than profusely apologize and go home. The next day I apologized to my boss and told him I’d been ill.
I still work at the same company, and it hurts every day. This was two years ago. – big_bad_brundlefly
I accidentally emailed “You up?” to my entire 900+ person office at 11 am on a Tuesday.
We have this company internal Facebook/forum-type website.
I thought I was commenting on something only my friend could see as a joke.
Turns out the forum was set up to send out email updates when someone “gave positive feedback” so when I gave him the feedback of “you up?” it blasted the whole building. – InspectorRack
When I was little, my dad told me that as I get older, most of my freckles would move down my face and to my shoulders.
As proof, he showed me that he had tons of freckles on his shoulders & collar bone area and very few on his face.
I believed him and had even told a handful of people this.
I didn’t realize it was bulls**t until last year when I was telling a classmate, and she looked at me like I was stupid and my voice slowly trailed off as I realized how stupid it was.
For 20 years I believed freckles could move down your face to another part of your body. – LisaMalea
I didn’t know alpacas were animals until I was 27.
I thought “alpaca” meant “made from llama hair” much like wool is made from sheep hair. – AdamJr87
When I was young, I didn’t know the difference between getting laid and getting laid off.
Had no idea that these things are completely different.
I would use them almost interchangeably.
So, when my dad lost his job one year, the next day at school I went around explaining to all my classmates: “Yeah, things aren’t going well at my house, my dad got laid yesterday.” – BobJohnson2003
I got my first iPhone about 7 or 8 years ago, it was the 4S I think — the first to have Siri.
Anywho, I was listening to a lot of hip-hop at the time, and the phrase I chose to say to Siri was “I love it when you call me big papa.”
Siri asked me if I wanted her to call me Big Papa. Why not, I thought.
This event totally left my memory until about 2 years later when I was looking for an email I had sent from my phone.
I found it and was horrified to learn that it had been signed off from “Big Papa.”
Everything I had sent from my phone in those two years, including job-related emails and even applications, had been signed off from Big Papa. – luther_van_boss
I was standing in line at Walmart and guy in front of me dropped something. I didn’t realize what.
I bent down to get it and saw it was a full set of teeth. I then decided not to touch them since he has to put them in his mouth.
After standing back up I felt like that was rude and he might think I didn’t touch them because they are “gross.”
I changed my mind and bent back down to grab them but as my hand was like 3 inches away, I thought to myself that he definitely doesn’t want me to touch them so I stood back up.
The entire time, this guy was standing there watching me bend down and stand up several times.
The final time I stood up he locked eyes, gave me a weird look, then snatched them aggressively and walked away.
I still have no idea if I should have grabbed them or not.
It was just embarrassing having him watch me be indecisive about his teeth. – FutureSeniorCitizen
The first time I ever spoke in public was a debate competition when I was 13.
I pissed myself in front of teachers, peers, opponents, other schools, judges, and everyone in that 200-person audience.
I was embarrassed but decided that nothing more embarrassing would likely happen if I spoke in public again, and now I have no fear of public speaking. – Kizadek
I had a tendency to get super obsessive over my crushes growing up.
Total lovesick “I will straight-up marry you right now” obsessive.
I went the whole nine yards: extravagant love letters, “I love you,” “You’re perfect,” angsty writing in my journal, weird photos, and music video montages, dreaming and daydreaming…yeah, all the cringey creepy stuff. – CaptainCruiser
I have imaginary interviews in the tub with talk show hosts about my life and how I became famous (I like to change it up). – woodlandolive
While I was visiting my girlfriends family home one summer during college, I had to use the bathroom.
I had been there a couple of days and had to go “el numero dos.” So I went, it was huge and clogged the toilet horribly.
Now, this was no ordinary bathroom; it was a makeshift bathroom in the basement that was half finished, half unfinished.
Panicking, I looked around to find a plunger. There wasn’t one.
So I found a sort of barbecue knife thing, I tried to stab and cut the poop up, didn’t work.
It smelled so horrible you could smell it up to the kitchen.
Freaking out at this point, nothing will get this poo down the damn toilet; I asked my girlfriend what to do.
She was dying laughing at me and told me to just go home (about a 3-hour drive).
So I got my stuff, headed home, and never ever spoke about it again.
Her dad apparently had to try and fix it over the course of 3 days. I NEVER EVER will go poop at that house EVER again. – eddiej21
Whenever I think sexual thoughts I sneeze.
It has gotten to the point where if I ever sneeze, my girlfriend just gives me a stare and says no. – Moonkeyman120
I have smacked my face on our glass door, and the side window of vehicles so many times my husband thinks I need a helmet.
How it happens: Something will catch my attention (my dogs barking, hearing the cat food bowl get knocked over/my husband pointing at something as we drive by) and I’ll over-excitedly go to press my face against the glass to see.
I do it every damn time.
Husband also likes to find candles for me to smell in the store because I somehow smash my nose into the wax or nearly bust my lip on the rim of the glass.
While I am holding the candle. – IRaiseCowsMoo
I dropped my female friend and a cute friend of hers off somewhere, and as the cute friend left she said “It was nice to meet you,” to which I responded “Hello!”
Her saying “Nice to meet you” for some reason processed through my head as a greeting.
I wanted to drive into a wall. – pesakaio
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